


Pure Inertia (or How To Keep From Breaking)

by wishfulthinkment



Series: Re-Awakening [3]
Category: Silent Witness (TV)
Genre: Comfort Sex, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Raquel Lives: The Series, Team Give Nikki A Girlfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 02:48:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16845649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulthinkment/pseuds/wishfulthinkment
Summary: The first night, Nikki hardly sleeps a wink.[They're back in London and it's a long way back to being okay]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [littlelamplight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelamplight/gifts).



> I'm lowkey working on a fic project to make Raquel's filmography gayer: take the episode of whatever she was in, write fic to give her character a gf and take it from there.

The first night, Nikki hardly sleeps a wink.

 

Eva is out like a light, thanks to all the painkillers she’s on, and she looks so small in the bed, so fragile, and there’s a husk to her breathing that keeps Nikki’s heart in her throat. The number of times she’s nearly lost this woman, she can’t bring herself to relax, even now that she’s home and, by all reasonable criteria, safe. The doctors told her that the surgery went well, as well as could have been expected, but Nikki lies awake, listening to her breathe. 

 

The nights following aren’t much better. 

 

Nikki holds herself to the one side of the mattress, not wanting to jostle her. Sometimes when she dozes off, within a matter of minutes she’ll bolt awake, heart pounding in her chest. The nightmares are vivid, and she finds herself reaching for Eva, to make sure she’s real, make sure she’s alive, make sure that this isn’t the dream. 

 

She was already exhausted and the sleep deprivation is playing with her heightened emotions, the longing, the worry, the frustration. There’s so much pent up inside her, so much whirling through her brain at any given moment.

 

So she runs. 

 

She runs hard and long, past the point of burning lungs and aching legs, until her mind finally falls silent. The shower afterwards is scalding hot, leaving her skin pink, followed by a coffee as strong and black as she can manage. It’s probably ill-advised, to push herself so hard, but it’s the sheer inertia she’s generating that’s carrying her through these mostly sleepless nights.

 

One morning she arrives back from her run to find a plate of food set on the counter for her. It’s basic, eggs and something, but it’s still impressive considering how empty her fridge always is. She sits down to eat without a second thought and with the first mouthful, the seasoning almost has her eyes rolling back in her head with how good it is. It’s about as good as a run in terms of making her mind go blank. She eats it slowly, savouring every bite and it’s the first time she can remember feeling truly at ease since their return. 

 

Before she knows it, she’s staring at an empty plate and faced with the realisation that someone put that food there and there’s only one other person in her apartment and she’s currently on bedrest. She glances across, sees Eva lying in bed asleep, propped up against the pillows, reading glasses slid down her nose, a half-read book lying open beside her. Something twists inside her chest, a tenderness mixed with exasperation. 

 

Nikki sits on the edge of the bed and Eva stirs. She takes one of her hands carefully, her thumb brushing over her knuckles. Her hands are always so warm. There's a hazy impression in the back of her mind, a vague memory of those hands on her body, holding onto her. She pushes it to the side, pushes the butterflies in her stomach down, and squeezes gently, getting her attention.

 

“You should stay in bed, Eva. Not that I don't appreciate it, but you're in no state to be in the kitchen.”

 

She means to sound at least a little stern, but Eva cracks an eye open, and fires right back.

 

“And you should take better care of yourself. I was shot, but you look terrible.”

 

She smiles, suppressing the sudden laugh that threatens to bubble up, the sudden relief that fills her chest threatening to make her cry. Just that little bit of wry humour, a glimpse of the Eva she'd first met, it's the closest she's felt to normal since this whole thing began. But it's better than normal, because her normal life didn't have Eva in it. 

 

“You're right,” she says with a sigh, and Eva eyes her curiously, “I'm sorry. I've just been… preoccupied lately.” She pauses to amend her word choice. “Well… worried, really.”

 

Eva frowns. “About what?”

 

Nikki stares at her, for a moment unsure how to respond, not wanting to give too much away at once. The last thing she wants is to overwhelm Eva with her feelings the same way she's been overwhelmed by them herself.

 

Finally, she settles on a reply.

 

“You. Of course.”

 

Eva just gazes up at her, eyes a little glassy. Nikki supposes it could be the medication she's on, but she looks lost. She opens her mouth to speak, only to close it, only to swallow hard and blurt out “You shouldn't.”

 

Nikki sighs and feels the weight of the last few days settle over her shoulders, letting herself feel just how wrung out she really is.

 

She smiles but she can't keep her eyes from watering. “Too late.” 

 

Eva pales and the hand in Nikki's grasp trembles. A look of something close to horror creeps over her face. 

 

“No,” she whispers, and Nikki thinks that she sounds afraid. “You really shouldn't. Not after-- not after--” She seems to be working herself into a panic, and Nikki leans in to try and sooth her but it only makes it worse. “It's my fault-- everything--”

 

Nikki grasps her hands, perhaps tighter than she should, tries to hold her still, prevent her from rupturing her sutures.

 

“Eva!” Her voice is raised, it could almost be a shout. “I know! I know everything-- I've known everything… from the day it all happened, I've known why, what you did.”

 

She grows still and stares at her with wide eyes. “Then why am I here?”

 

Nikki wants to tell her it's because it's okay, but it's not quite true. She's forgiven, more than forgiven, but that doesn't keep her from waking in a cold sweat every night, the blankets over her feeling like a grave. 

 

She wants to tell her it's because she loves her but she's not sure she can say the words without breaking apart, herself. 

 

After a moment, she realises that she's just been holding onto her wrists, staring  at her for a good few seconds and saying nothing. 

 

So she leans in, not knowing what to say but needing to be closer, needing to reassure in whatever way she can. She brushes the hair back from Eva's face with trembling fingers, caresses her cheek with the pad of her thumb.

 

On the second pass, her thumb catches an escaped tear.

 

Her gaze becomes fixed on her mouth.

 

“Eva, I--”

 

There are no words left. In this moment, her mouth as empty as her mind is blank.

 

But her heart, her heart is full. 

 

Of longing. 

 

Of worry. 

 

Of love.

 

And it all comes out the only way it can. 

 

Nikki leans in to kiss her, but at the last second Eva turns her head and her mouth lands on her cheek. She lingers a second, regardless, and perhaps she’s a little overwhelmed by how close, how soft, how warm, but she pulls back slightly to look at her.

 

Her eyes are screwed shut and she’s trembling with the effort of how tightly she’s holding herself. She’s crying and something sobering twists in her chest. 

 

“I’m sorry, Eva.” She rests her forehead against her temple and sighs. “I thought-- I thought that you knew.”

 

“For what--" She speaks carefully, as though each word is a struggle to set free. “For what I did-- you should have let me die. Not-- not--" She gestures vaguely, at Nikki, at the apartment around them. “All of this.” Her voice breaks on a sob and Nikki scoops her up in her arms. 

 

She holds her close, her own vision blurring, and rocks her gently, stroking her fingers through her hair. Eva’s body slowly begins to unwind, but her hands are twisted up in Nikki’s shirt.

 

“Letting you die was never an option. Never. Neither was leaving you behind… or alone.” She rubs her back, mindful of the bandages. 

 

It was probably a foolish idea, grossly ill-considered, going to all these lengths for the woman who had, for all intents and purposes, betrayed her. She’s got no idea how it might be possible to work past that kind of history, no plan to make things good again, but she knew right from the start that it would be absolutely impossible to do so if Eva died. 

 

So long as she was alive, there had to be some way to fix things.

 

There had to be.


	2. Chapter 2

She doesn’t sleep quite so far away after that.  Eva knows what Nikki knows, and Eva knows what Nikki feels. The invisible wall that was between them is gone and, where before Nikki gave Eva space, there’s now a sense that they are sharing a space.

 

She wakes to find herself nestled close enough to feel the warmth of Eva's body, the soft puff of her breath against her skin.

 

She changes her bandages, hands steadier than she feels, Eva's eyes resting squarely on her, still so full of doubt.

 

And it's doubt, not of her intentions, but of what she herself deserves and Nikki has no idea of how to allay that kind of thing.

 

She helps her bathe, and the flush in her cheeks when she does matches the colour that creeps up Eva's neck. They never had much of a chance to see the other naked back in Mexico and now this nakedness feels awfully one-sided. She's as careful with Eva's sense of vulnerability as she is with her body. Eva closes her eyes when they do this, more often than not, and Nikki isn't entirely sure whether it's to preserve her dignity or to savour touch that isn't pain. Either way, she does her best to give her both of those things.

 

Eva continues to improve, the husk gone from her breathing, and her need for pain medication is gradually reduced. So, while Nikki is able to sleep more soundly, Eva's sleep becomes more disturbed.

 

It starts gradually, a restlessness, twitching limbs, whimpering. Enough to rouse Nikki to a state of semi-wakefulness and shuffle over. Physical contact helps, she finds, an arm slung over Eva's waist, a leg tangled between hers, pressing close enough to touch tends to quiet her sleep again.

 

It's the quiet before the storm.

 

Nikki’s jolted from slumber by a blood curdling scream, struck by a flailing arm. The flood of adrenaline causes her heart to skip a beat or two and it takes her a second to realise where she is and that it's Eva who's woken her.

 

Eva, who's writhing in the bed.

 

Eva, screaming like a wounded animal.

 

Eva, unseeing eyes wide with terror, clinging to the hands that Nikki extends to her, trying to push them away.

 

“Eva!” she yells, trying to grasp her, shake her without injuring her. She can hear the desperation in her own voice as though from afar. Eva's fear is frightening, especially because Nikki knows who she's seeing when she looks at her.

 

And then, just like that, she awakens.

 

Nikki is holding her face between her hands, straddling her in the bed, panting heavily and, for a moment, Eva just stares up at her, eyes shining with unshed tears.

 

“You’re safe,” she whispers, suddenly feeling closer than she means to be. “It’s over now. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

 

Eva whimpers her name.

 

Her voice is laced with need, need for comfort, for reassurance, a need to know that she's real and here.

 

So Nikki kisses her.

 

She tries to be gentle but the leftover adrenaline in her system makes that difficult, and so does the way Eva whimpers into her mouth and curls her hands into Nikki's sleep shirt. She lowers herself, presses the length of her body against Eva’s good side.

 

Eva trembles beneath her, her breathing still short, and the way her hands grasp at her makes Nikki's chest feel tight.

 

Nikki just wants her to feel something that isn't pain, isn't fear. Even if it's purely physical, even if Eva doesn't love her back, she can't really help it.

 

She only has vague memories of that drunken night in Mexico, but it seems her body hasn't forgotten a thing - it moves against Eva’s body as easy as breathing. Every touch feels familiar, somehow like coming home, and every touch makes the breath catch in the back of Eva's throat.

 

The fingers of one hand slide into her thick dark hair, tilting her head to cradle her against Nikki’s shoulder. The fingers of her other hand slide down, splayed across her belly, then her hip. It’s an embrace, Nikki trying to hold all of Eva within her arms, Eva curled into Nikki, grasping at her, trembling. She kisses the junction of her neck and shoulder, open mouthed with a hint of teeth.

 

“Please,” Eva whispers, and she sounds close to tears. “Please.”

 

Her arms tighten around her. The hand on her hip become a hand on her ass. She presses herself closer, thigh between her legs and Eva moans raggedly and rocks against it. The  movement is jerky and almost frantic and Nikki tries to soothe her, stroking her hand along her side just as she just can’t help but grind her hips down.

 

Nikki presses Eva back onto the bed, raises her head to see her face in the dim light. She kisses the corner of her mouth, thumb stroking her cheekbone.

 

“I've got you,” she breathes, slipping her hand between her legs. “I'm going to take good care of you. I promise.”

 

Eva draws in a shaky breath and nods, and Nikki notices that her cheeks are damp. Heart tight in her chest, she begins slowly, moving in steady strokes, gathering her arousal on her fingertips. Eva buries a whimper in the crook of her neck, her hips twitching against Nikki's hand. Each stroke a little bolder than the last, delving a little further, coming back up to swirl around her clit. The hot puffs of breath against her throat become heavier, the hand on her shoulder sliding up to cup the back of her neck. Nikki’s fingers at last circle her entrance, and Eva’s whole body shudders, thighs parting, hips canting, her gasp unmistakable, and Nikki feels it in the pit of her stomach.

 

Nikki bites her lip, hardly able to breathe, as she slides the tip of one finger inside her, then two. She’s so wet that there’s no resistance at all, and the sensation makes Nikki’s head swim a little. She feels so good, and it’s a sensation that she knows and that she’s missed and it’s so right she can hardly stand it. Eva moans, hips rolling to impale herself on Nikki’s fingers and Nikki meets the movement on instinct more than anything else, wrist flexing and fingers curling deep inside her. Eva’s breath leaves her in a rush, and she clenches around Nikki’s fingers, her grip around the back of her neck and shoulders tightening. It’s the way someone holds onto a lifeline, Nikki thinks, like they never want to ever let go.

 

She builds a rhythm, her fingers inside her, not a sliver of space between them, and it’s as gentle, as easy as she knows how. Everything within her has missed this, missed Eva and she doesn’t want it to be over so soon.

 

As it happens, that’s the exact right way to do it, judging by the way Eva begins to pant against her collar bone. She can hear how wet she is around her fingers, feel the way she clenches around her, hot arousal slicking her fingers, pooling between them. Her hips move in time with Nikki’s hand - she flexes her wrist to press in ever deeper and Eva shudders, whimpers into her neck.

 

“Please,” she whispers again and it sounds like begging. “Nikki, I--”

 

Nikki doesn’t know if she’s begging for more or begging for forgiveness but it doesn’t matter. Eva doesn’t have to beg for either one, not from her. It’s something she knows Jack doesn’t understand - she barely understands it herself half the time, but she picks up the pace and the words die in Eva’s throat with a strangled moan.

 

When her hand begins to cramp Nikki shifts position, resting her forehead against Eva's temple. She focuses on the feeling of the woman beneath her, focuses on sustaining the movement inside her - now more thrusting than curling. She feels the tension coiling in Eva's body, the way her hands are holding onto her, feels the raw, almost disbelieving sounds of pleasure echo between her own legs.

 

“It's okay,” she hears herself whisper. “I've got you.”

 

Eva responds as though the words themselves are a physical touch - with a shudder and a muffled cry, she comes around her fingers. Her body trembles beneath her, both with the aftershocks and with the unspooling of emotion. Nikki tries to withdraw, give her room to breathe and recover but Eva reaches down between them, covers Nikki's hand with her own, holding her right where she is. Her fingers twitch, still inside her, and Eva nuzzles closer, kissing her neck.

 

She wraps her arms around Nikki, holding her close, smoothing her hands along the planes of her back, and it’s as calming as it is grounding. Her own body unwinds against Eva and her eyes slip closed, weighted by exhaustion and the warm feeling of being held.

 

“I dreamed--" Eva's voice breaks and Nikki can feel how deeply she breathes to brace herself. “I dreamed that you died.”

 

Nikki raises herself up on her elbow and looks at Eva, her face pale in the half light, the tear tracks on her cheeks reflecting silver. Dark eyes gaze up at her, wide and searching, roaming over her features. She reaches up and cups Nikki’s face between the palms of her hands. It’s a caress that’s soft and warm and so gentle she has to close her eyes, a lump in her throat.

 

“I dreamed-- they killed you and I-- I couldn’t stop them. Couldn’t get to you.”

 

The words make her wince, a rush of bad memories flooding to the fore. Eva’s thumb swipes across her cheek and she realises that she’s crying too. She doesn’t understand it -- it should feel so wrong to be comforted by the same hands that buried her. Instead she can’t help but lean into the touch, only finding exhaustion where bitterness might otherwise live.

 

“Oh, Nikki,” she breathes. “I am so sorry for how I have hurt you.”

 

Nikki can only nod.

 

She is not the kind of doctor that puts living things back together.

 

But together, she thinks, she can learn how to heal.


End file.
